22.09.2025
I'm writing in English, because I feel like I can describe my thoughts better that way.
I just want you all to take care of yourselves, don’t let yourself fail, don’t follow my path because that’s not what I want. In reality I only want one thing - I want you all to find happiness and peace in the life that has been really cruel to me for the last past months. You will probably think I did stupid thing killing myself, that I didn’t think about that long enough. I actually did, since I was a little kid. I am sure that ending my life in the current position I am in will be easier than suffering. There’s no hope for me, but there’s hope for you guys, and it always has. I think I was born with hope, because I always held it inside me, I cured my wounds all by myself, working on myself - day and night. But I lost my most precious thing. I lost my hope - that always was with me, even when it was almost impossible to see, it was still there. Now I don't feel any hope, it escaped from me. I know all of you were trying hard to keep me going, motivating me everyday and still had hope in me, and you guys were the reason I eventually got better, but some things don't depend on you guys, and it never will. I’m scared of ending my life, and I wish you guys could comfort me right now, hold my hand and tell me it will be okay. But deep down I know it wouldn’t really help. You guys can’t help someone who can’t stand up, you have to focus on your lives and enjoy it till the last days. I would like to say a big thank you for being with me through all these years, supporting me and helping me keep my head up. Please imagine me like that. With someone who always will have their head up and fight to the last moment. In case some of you didn’t notice I had big dreams and aspirations, I wasn’t really lazy, I was just tired and too focused on fixing my own mental health. I dreamed about becoming a director or author of my own imagined story. It sounds fragile but I really put my last energy into that. I was trying to make sure I will never be forgotten, so I decided to put it into art. I dreamed about making my own theater play, book or movie. I’m sure my sister and other friends know well about it. If you will feel ready to do it, you can check my gmails-google-docs. I think I described it best there. I either want to be buried with it or I want you to show it to the world, I don’t want it to die with me, I want it to live forever, even after I am gone. Just consider that, after all, I don't want to force you to finish the thing I wasn’t able to finish because of my lack of energy. I don’t want my death to be tragic, I wish it could be a start of something better for you all. To understand you are all loved and worth a lot more than you think. You just need to fight, do that for me, I will be up there, watching you. And if you’ll want to look for me. I am in the art I made. I’m part of it.
Lidia - i love you, take care of yourself for me.