Growing up and sour hate I feel towards myself

 Im not mad cause I lost myself for you. I am mad that I lost 5 months of being a kid for being as mature and convincing for you to stay. Everything got better, thats right. But I want to feel like a kid again, I feel like I neglected all my friend, and I feel that its my fault our friendship is not as good as it used to be. If I could buy this one thing that is missing, I would run to shop as fast I can and buy it, no matter the price. I just feel that part of me is missing, its the part that you took with you, my childhood - or it last moments. 

My biggest fear is growing up, and I really don't want to become an adult.

I promised myself that I will never grow up, and I will always be super childlish, in my own world. But I broke my own promise, because slowly, without me realizing I am becoming like every other adult -insensitive to details, only cares about work, looks or family. I lack something that I had before. No matter how hard I try I can't be person I used to be before, and that's the thing I hate about myself the most. I feel weird around my friends, I honestly feel like an idiot in front of them, I feel this sour feeling of hate towards myself, because I can't forgive myself that I changed. 

I wish I could come back, just for one day - to being childlish, worth something and only live at my own world again. 

Drunk people.

I hate every single part of drunk people. I hate how charismatic they are, how honest they are, how direct they are. 

I hate any kind of contact with drunk people, and I don't like the fact that he's messaging me. I think its cause some kind of trauma from my ex and dad.

                    Jacob Jordaens, The Feast of the Bean King (1640–1645)

HOW TO PLAN BOOK IN 4 STEPS

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ HOW TO PLAN BOOK IN 4 STEPS 

1. Blurb + headings (to organize brainstorm)

➺ Project name: 

    Genre:

    Vibes/themes:

    Length:

    One sentence summary

➺ Headings

1. characters 

2. settings

3. scenes

4. magic system

5. quotes

2. Place plotting

list all the possible places/settings that your character’s can travel to in your world. 

(for example + in scenes section):

• graveyard - the character find something 

• principal office - the character gets in trouble

• bar

• old cathedral 

• classroom

etc.

just jot these random place plots (scenes) down to then link them together soon.

3. The zero draft 

is…telling myself my story in SHORT sentences

tip; for your zero draft try and focus on ACTION and DIALOGUE

Chapter number	Draft
1
2
3
4
5

4. The first draft

New document + zero draft. Write it by using zero draft. Writing your first draft means making all the fun creative choices:p 

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

 When I saw my family cry and beg for me to stay, something inside me changed.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

 ''I think so very highly of you I didn't realized you think so low of me''

me

     I am a mean person, but I can't be my real mean-self because everytime I am mean I feel this disgusting karma looking at me, Im starting to get nauseous and start to panic. I might have debt with karma.

Hello after long break.

 Its been a while since I last posted. A lot of things happened in my life frequently and I didn't have time to post anything here. I don't really want to think about it anymore, cause I moved on, and I don't want to waste my time on this creature. My ex broke up with me, by saying that he doesn't love me anymore. 

All those posts about how bad I felt... I realized it was all his fault. I was destroyed as a person, by this simple ugly little living. He manipulated me, and I just realized it all, when I stopped loving him. He did me terrible, and even tho i really fw this quote; 

''No matter how often and how much people hurt each other, loving someone is never a waste''

I still, deep down hope that i never ever met him. But today, I am positive, and I'll try to look at this in positive perspective. This quote is simply about that those toxic, hurtful relationships teaches us something important, and in my situation its 100% true. This situation taught me how I want to be treated, and how not, and that I will never let someone hurt myself like this again. I believe in karma and I know the karma will come to him, so I feel some kind of peace. 

I'm focusing on myself now, and I can't desribe in words how better I feel without him, its like a blessing, I am so grateful that he's gone. He made room for another person who respects me, and for a person who always been here supporting me and loving me. Everything started to get better, and I hope that it will stay its way.

The best thing about me is that i always have hope.