I'm not eating much, as an punishment. I don't want to eat because I like the feeling that my body is already giving up on me, I like the feeling of death near. I like feeling half alive.
Deep Thoughts
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Saturday, 21 March 2026
Tuesday, 3 March 2026
Irritation - carefree guy
You don't even read anything that is on here. You spend your life playing along and just being an carefree, funny guy who doesn't really care about my passion or things like that. I love you so much but I don't think we belong together. I am an artistic soul, I have always dreamed of having someone to share my passion with, You don't have anything that you are passionate about.
I find it very annoying. I wish someone would be interested in what I am doing and I'm sure I will find someone like that.
Friday, 9 January 2026
yoko ono john lennon ideal couple.
I used to stand up for myself why I don't actually give a fuck anymore.
fuck u aegen
When Aegen starts playing and suddenly its winter 2023, beggining of something evil, that later will destroy my lungs, chest and bones, and i am loosing my bestfriend.
Monday, 15 December 2025
Monday, 3 November 2025
Jużno Sachalińsk - wladimirówka
You are never really interested. Never seeking details, never asking about it unless I speak about it first. I wish you could be more excited about it, as I am. It's part of my life, yet you don't really care about it - I think so at least.
I want it so bad:(
Sunday, 26 October 2025
drains me
I feel weird, like half alive. Yesterdays night I thought the feelings will go away next day, but in reality it didn't. How I can change it? I barely even care about my looks when i'm at home, and I wish I could start again. Only one positive things is that I got more motivation to write now, I wrote a lot since 2 last days, and I start to wonder. Do I have a choice between writing a good book or having a good clean life? Do I have to be depressed to write better?
Monday, 22 September 2025
fufufufu -- the big thanks to my family, you are the best!
22.09.2025
I'm writing in English, because I feel like I can describe my thoughts better that way.
I just want you all to take care of yourselves, don’t let yourself fail, don’t follow my path because that’s not what I want. In reality I only want one thing - I want you all to find happiness and peace in the life that has been really cruel to me for the last past months. You will probably think I did stupid thing killing myself, that I didn’t think about that long enough. I actually did, since I was a little kid. I am sure that ending my life in the current position I am in will be easier than suffering. There’s no hope for me, but there’s hope for you guys, and it always has. I think I was born with hope, because I always held it inside me, I cured my wounds all by myself, working on myself - day and night. But I lost my most precious thing. I lost my hope - that always was with me, even when it was almost impossible to see, it was still there. Now I don't feel any hope, it escaped from me. I know all of you were trying hard to keep me going, motivating me everyday and still had hope in me, and you guys were the reason I eventually got better, but some things don't depend on you guys, and it never will. I’m scared of ending my life, and I wish you guys could comfort me right now, hold my hand and tell me it will be okay. But deep down I know it wouldn’t really help. You guys can’t help someone who can’t stand up, you have to focus on your lives and enjoy it till the last days. I would like to say a big thank you for being with me through all these years, supporting me and helping me keep my head up. Please imagine me like that. With someone who always will have their head up and fight to the last moment. In case some of you didn’t notice I had big dreams and aspirations, I wasn’t really lazy, I was just tired and too focused on fixing my own mental health. I dreamed about becoming a director or author of my own imagined story. It sounds fragile but I really put my last energy into that. I was trying to make sure I will never be forgotten, so I decided to put it into art. I dreamed about making my own theater play, book or movie. I’m sure my sister and other friends know well about it. If you will feel ready to do it, you can check my gmails-google-docs. I think I described it best there. I either want to be buried with it or I want you to show it to the world, I don’t want it to die with me, I want it to live forever, even after I am gone. Just consider that, after all, I don't want to force you to finish the thing I wasn’t able to finish because of my lack of energy. I don’t want my death to be tragic, I wish it could be a start of something better for you all. To understand you are all loved and worth a lot more than you think. You just need to fight, do that for me, I will be up there, watching you. And if you’ll want to look for me. I am in the art I made. I’m part of it.
Lidia - i love you, take care of yourself for me.
Tuesday, 8 July 2025
What makes humans monsters
Maybe bad day in work, fight with the loved ones, depression, that’s enough to become evil, that’s enough to make them monsters.
Sudden change
I’ve never felt like this. Suddenly I just managed to stop being impulsive, I started eating less — and it’s not a problem anymore, it’s natural. Is this mean that I became completely indifferent about my existence?
Wednesday, 16 April 2025
For my love.
It might sound silly to you, but they taking you away from me for just one week, and I miss you so deeply I can't even stand straight, I know that's a strong words but I mean that. Today around 4 am, I'm starting to think about myself, about the person I am.
Who I am?
Am I a good partner? I know im not, and everyday im trying to change just for you my love. The thing that was born inside me the day I got hurt is still inside me, and I can't take it out, no matter how far I'm trying to reach my heart through my chest, I can't - It might be very small, you'd think. In fact it is, hiding from my hand, maybe it doesn't want to be reached, maybe that's why it keeps its small form. Still - It feel huge inside me, the pain it brings, the thoughts, the worries - It's huge even tho it keep its small form. Everyday I'm hoping that one day... Maybe you will reach it, maybe you will grab it hard, by its small form, and get it out of me? The thing that you put inside of me? If your hand was long enough to seed that inside of me, will it be able to remove it.?
Tuesday, 1 April 2025
I don't want to ruin anyones childhood
I want every kid to have peaceful, childhood - fun and full of colours, with none unnecessary sign of worry, hatred and bad things. If I only could make other people who are on their border; child or eldery, better, I wouldn't take any doubt. I would just do it, no matter the price.
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| Casey Lesser |
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| Esther Lankhaar |
Wednesday, 19 March 2025
Weakness, and people who could just swallow their tongues in that moment
My body feels so fragile, the bones feel like they are about to crack. Whenever I take a step I feel this terrible pain in my body, is it sick? Did I catch a terrible disease? Will my body change into walking skeleton? I see myself fading everyday. I'm about to collapse.
Im weak.
Wednesday, 11 December 2024
too much happend for things to be okay?
i feel empty. Theres too much in my head, but too less on my tongue. Something is for sure going on with me but I can't name it. It's something impossible to say, I lost myself and my happiness, things I said to myself yesterday, is actually true, when i feel like im finally happy, the next day looks like today's.
Friday, 1 November 2024
Suicide as a way of escape.
I’m not a bad person, I never killed anybody, I never was close to killing anybody, I never made a crime, or wasn’t even close to it. Okay fuck it i’m too lazy to write rn fuck everyone i hate my life
Saturday, 26 October 2024
Covenant Eyes
Today, I met some lady talking about that watching pornography is still a cheating, and I heavily agree on this one. I have solid trust issues with it tho. The lady talked about some app that helps u see if ur partner is watching things like that and block all porn sites, sending u screenshots and feedback, about ur partner activity, whether it was suspicious or not, something which is cool its that the private informations on screens is blurred. i never wanted something more than just know for 100% my partner is not watching that crap, and this app helped me a lot, it made me feel like free again, I have no need to overthink now, that's a dream.
The app is called Covenant Eyes and the subscription for month is about 17.99$
Monday, 23 September 2024
Angels That Truly Enjoyed My Time
I wanted this moment to be magical, to be remembered. But at the end, I’d stick to the ‚classical end’. I thought the beauty was inside the play, and deep story, and hidden deeper meaning behind my death, but suddenly it’s the day i did my first nail, rotted in bed and cried a little bit. Sounds simple, and I rather stick to that. The world is so twisted I don’t recognise myself anymore, the feeling I am living this world with some terrible people who would stick knife into my throat without a single doubt, I rather do it myself.
Thursday, 29 August 2024
Something that calms me down but its illusory
Every time when I feel hurt, or someone treats me poorly, I always imagine the moment that will come after they will break me. I'll sit alone watching the lake, while the sky is getting darker and darker as the night comes, then I hope they will have some kind of pangs of conscience but the truth is... they wouldn't, I just think about it like that because it makes me somehow calmer, that even if someone will break me into pieces again, they will break themselves as well - but they won't, people forgets quickly, but not the ones who they bore the burden of their existence.
Friday, 16 August 2024
I think the most tough things about being a person who grew up with no one believing in them is that I will never believe in myself either.
Every success of mine is because I was lucky - I think like that, I don't believe I can do anything I'd be proud of if it aren't just luckiness, there's no hidden talent in me, no special abilities, no wisdom.
Sunday, 4 August 2024
Words, that I don't want to remember, but it makes me reconsider
''Thank you for being my bestfriend's for those last counted days''
Sunday, 28 July 2024
just sometimes
-there comes a time, when all of my words comes out my mouth with disgust, after I remember that I am just a secret.
My words to someone that I think wants to come back.
''Even if you are trying to do something bad to me, I don't care anymore. We need to help each other, we need to be close. Because we are in the same body, don't we?'' - 2022-12-27
Tuesday, 23 July 2024
Soul Awakening
- Your grandfather proposed to me with a piece of candy. We had nothing, he knelt down and said to me, "Now I have nothing but candy, but if you want, we can build everything together."
- And you?
- I opened the candy, divided it into two parts and we ate it. From that moment on, we shared everything. We fell, we rose and we built.
All together. We experienced difficult times, fatigue, but we were always there for each other. Until the last one.
- Different times, grandma.
- Time doesn't change the way you love.
What has changed is that you no longer have beautiful examples to follow.
Now they are afraid of everything. They don't get married for fear of not being able to build. As soon as they quarrel, they leave because then they think they will find a better one. They always look for perfection as if it existed.
They lack perception of reality. About happiness in small things.
They do a big demo, thousand-dollar rings, over-the-top proposal videos, and then they miss the moment. That intimate thing that you hold together, just the two of you, for life.
This is what they miss. Courage to live and love for who they are, not for what they imagine it to be.
Text and photo found at Gentleman Polska
Monday, 22 July 2024
Monday's afternoon~
I'm happy to finally write something long here, I had no motivation to write for the last 2 weeks or something like that ( i think its really human after all) I'm glad to be back with new ideas, refrehed mind and excited for new content! Today's monday's afternoon I'm spending at my grandma;s YAYY
This place actually clears my mind. Today I was at my BF's place. I got cute seal plushie and white rose, he's actually so adorable and caring. I'm just worried because I know I can't cure him from all things that he's suffering from. I would take them all on me.
From day to day I feel better and better, I'm healing, and today's afternoon works like a light breeze to my heart, it cures it, mending itz open wounds and filling it with understanding and love. In this place I find comfort in what WILL BE. I'm starting to work on my project again, and I feel good about it, some kinf of peace, I like telling storiee - which have deeper meaning in my heart, It's beautiful that some other soul can look at it and find some other different, weird sense in it, I like it.
Saturday, 20 July 2024
another quote from 'snoozkilla'
''And the days went fast like they used to before, and I started to find more comfort in what WILL BE''
quote from 'snoozkilla'
''No matter what you do, someone who never loved you, will never truly do - you can't force someone to be in love. Their heart never belonged to you'' - Amaya
Saturday, 13 July 2024
Thursday, 11 July 2024
Saturday, 15 June 2024
Growing up and sour hate I feel towards myself
Im not mad cause I lost myself for you. I am mad that I lost 5 months of being a kid for being as mature and convincing for you to stay. Everything got better, thats right. But I want to feel like a kid again, I feel like I neglected all my friend, and I feel that its my fault our friendship is not as good as it used to be. If I could buy this one thing that is missing, I would run to shop as fast I can and buy it, no matter the price. I just feel that part of me is missing, its the part that you took with you, my childhood - or it last moments.
My biggest fear is growing up, and I really don't want to become an adult.
I promised myself that I will never grow up, and I will always be super childlish, in my own world. But I broke my own promise, because slowly, without me realizing I am becoming like every other adult -insensitive to details, only cares about work, looks or family. I lack something that I had before. No matter how hard I try I can't be person I used to be before, and that's the thing I hate about myself the most. I feel weird around my friends, I honestly feel like an idiot in front of them, I feel this sour feeling of hate towards myself, because I can't forgive myself that I changed.
I wish I could come back, just for one day - to being childlish, worth something and only live at my own world again.
Drunk people.
I hate every single part of drunk people. I hate how charismatic they are, how honest they are, how direct they are.
Jacob Jordaens, The Feast of the Bean King (1640–1645)
Monday, 10 June 2024
HOW TO PLAN BOOK IN 4 STEPS
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ HOW TO PLAN BOOK IN 4 STEPS
Blurb + headings (to organize brainstorm)
➺ Project name:
Genre:
Vibes/themes:
Length:
One sentence summary
➺ Headings
characters
settings
scenes
magic system
quotes
2. Place plotting
list all the possible places/settings that your character’s can travel to in your world.
(for example + in scenes section):
graveyard - the character find something
principal office - the character gets in trouble
bar
old cathedral
classroom
etc.
just jot these random place plots (scenes) down to then link them together soon.
3. The zero draft
is…telling myself my story in SHORT sentences
tip; for your zero draft try and focus on ACTION and DIALOGUE
Chapter number | Draft |
1 | |
2 | |
3 | |
4 | |
5 |
4. The first draft
New document + zero draft. Write it by using zero draft. Writing your first draft means making all the fun creative choices:p
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
me
I am a mean person, but I can't be my real mean-self because everytime I am mean I feel this disgusting karma looking at me, Im starting to get nauseous and start to panic. I might have debt with karma.
Hello after long break.
Its been a while since I last posted. A lot of things happened in my life frequently and I didn't have time to post anything here. I don't really want to think about it anymore, cause I moved on, and I don't want to waste my time on this creature. My ex broke up with me, by saying that he doesn't love me anymore.
All those posts about how bad I felt... I realized it was all his fault. I was destroyed as a person, by this simple ugly little living. He manipulated me, and I just realized it all, when I stopped loving him. He did me terrible, and even tho i really fw this quote;
''No matter how often and how much people hurt each other, loving someone is never a waste''
I still, deep down hope that i never ever met him. But today, I am positive, and I'll try to look at this in positive perspective. This quote is simply about that those toxic, hurtful relationships teaches us something important, and in my situation its 100% true. This situation taught me how I want to be treated, and how not, and that I will never let someone hurt myself like this again. I believe in karma and I know the karma will come to him, so I feel some kind of peace.
I'm focusing on myself now, and I can't desribe in words how better I feel without him, its like a blessing, I am so grateful that he's gone. He made room for another person who respects me, and for a person who always been here supporting me and loving me. Everything started to get better, and I hope that it will stay its way.
The best thing about me is that i always have hope.
Saturday, 25 May 2024
links for [edited]w
IMPORTANT NOTE
This was written at the lowest state of my life, when I was ready to leave this world. I'm leaving it only because this blog is like my dairy, and this situation taught me a lot. I'm doing well right now but if you aren't don't be scared to seek help before its too late.
(In my blog there is a option to translate article so if you aren't from poland go ahead and use it <3) all links has been disabled and edited due to my privacy, thank you.
116111
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Lidia.
I know your soul is pure, and I know you can make it a beautiful story. theater.
Link for google docs [brainstorm, and important information about the project] : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dH5sdxxxxxxxxNOXENTRYDlXHfFzWlT11AlrHVMquWBrliI/edit?usp=sharing
Link for Alexander Berezovski : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-DSFWSFEWXXXXXRFEFGAL/edit?usp=sharing
Link for Sara: https://docs.google.com/documenRFEFWEEFWFWFWFWFnn_YCei7s9JK0N59LdioxusIAdw/edit?usp=sharing
As they delved deeper into the [...], they stumbled upon a disturbing tale that sent shivers down their spines. It spoke of a woman, once a gentle soul, who had transformed into a gruesome creature with razor-sharp claws and haunting eyes after finding out her husband cheated on her, she killed him, then the girl who he cheated with. [Will u love her even though she killed u?]
Days turned into nights as the boys couldn't shake the unsettling feeling that the story they had read was more than just a mere tale. Strange occurrences began to plague them. Shadows seemed to dance in their peripheries, whispered voices echoed in the wind, and an inexplicable sense of dread permeated the air.
One by one, the boys began to vanish without a trace. Amaya seemed suspicious, he wasn’t the person he used to be before. After a long long long LONGG time and a lot of bloody and scary disturbing accidents Alexander finds out the truth.
A cold realization washed over Alexander as he confronted Amaya. His voice, once sweet, had transformed into a guttural growl.
Panic surged through Alexander as he realized the true horror of their situation. The monster was among them, masquerading as their friend. With newfound desperation, he fought back, but Amaya’s strength was overwhelming.
Maybe Amaya had the reason to be possessed by this creature?
PLAYLIST WITH LIL OF SOUNDTRACK + MY VIDEO: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXnd4yn1I0KVQiWbhj8LTTieMqKRAFAL-AUJfGAAvdyQi-W
mila note link [important] password to enter this is at my suicidal list for u maria : https://app.milanote.com/1ROorx11ndWE0c?p=KplFARAFLEKMIKOLAJKOCHAMCIEMISkznnQ [there u can pinterest link too]]
Characters:
1. Sara (Sayoko Yamaguchi)
2. Haruka
3. Nikolai Trusov
4. Amaya Hatate
5. Jesse Tresckow
6. Hiroshi
7. Malina (Mika Pajunen)
8. Kika (Kaede)
9. Alexander Berezovski
Sara, Alexander does have character which is written at their links, but other's don't. From google docs u can figure out Amaya's character - let me say hes fake.
For others, I want you to create their character.
Your sister Lidia.
Sunday, 28 April 2024
charon2
Heya, It's night. I can't sleep (insomnia)
When I can't sleep I usually do a research. Today I found conversations with person i treated like shit, and this whole page is going to be about it. Let's call them charon2.
me: my teeth fucking hurts. somebody kill me please.
charon2: i can kill u
me: then do so.
-
charon2: i wonder if our friendship have sense.
me: what do you mean?
charon2: we don't talk anymore, and im always starting a conversation.
me: im too tired to chat, im going straight to sleep after school
charon2: thats your explanation? u always saying that, its not really convincing.
me: what tf are u on about?
charon2: its been 3 months, and u are always tired
me: are u kidding me now? all i do is sleeping because of my meds.
me: I told you.
me: no matter how many months.
me: if you want then end this friendship. and to be honest. its the last thing in my head to talk to other people now.
-
charon2: i hope u going to get better. i bet its hard for you.
me: cut if off.
charon2: im worried
charon2: can't i ask how u feel?
charon2: im sorry if I hurt u.
me: i have no response.
charon2: i understand and i feel bad for you.
me: thank you
-
charon2: are u seeing specialist or no?
me: no
charon2: just asking
charon2: do u want chat a little more?
me: im kinda busy with school things
charon2: so that means no?
me: we can chat tomorrow
charon2: why you are messaging me then huh?
me: what are u on about.
-
charon2: hi
me: hi
charon2: whatsup?
me: its okay
charon2: want to chat?
charon2: ???
me: cant rn.
charon2: ok
-
me: i dont think police gonna make him suffer enough
me: maybe i should just kill him
charon2: how you are going to catch him tho?
charon2: u can always make fake trap for him. scare him away with some fake bullets.
me: no, i want him dead.
me: its gonna be easy, i dont see my future anyways.
charon2: im going to help you.
-
charon2: i remember u said that u want to be psychologist, still do?
me: yeah, still do.
charon2: i hope u will become psychologist one day:)
me: its not my day
me: something's off
charon2: whats wrong?
me: no idea
-
charon2: hey, will we marry each other one day?
me: you dont even know me that good charon2
me: first ones first im autistic
me: im rude
charon2: what?
me: im giving u reasons why u shouldnt marry me
me: im obssesed with my own world
me: im listening to kpop
me: do u still want me?
charon2: yes
me: damn
me: next, my room is full of bows
charon2: i want to touch them
me: im not okay
charon2: just like me darling
me: im writing perverted fanfictions
me: all i care is my world
me: when im stressed im laughing
charon2: will u marry me?
me: im washing my hair everyday
me: im talking to myself through notebook
charon2: i still love you
me: i love you too
I don't really feel like reading more of this crap. I am sorry charon2.
Monday, 22 April 2024
Read this please
I think my best feature is that I always hope that things will get better, and I actually believe this. But I feel like I am in cage, I would fucking love to dissapear, I never felt this kind of pain before, I would rather prefer being skinned alive. I'm in fucking pieces.
Everyday, I am acting like animal, Im going insane like an animal, I am becoming something that isn't fully human. Im acting like a slave, like a idiot, biggest idiot.
TRUST ME I WOULD FUCKING PREFER TO DISSAPEAR COMPLETLY, BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE THERE IS A CHANCE THAT MY S////// ATTEMPT WON'T WORK AND I WILL BE STUCK, AND AFTER THIS HE WOULD LEAVE ME FOR 100%
so i can't risk it.
Friday, 5 April 2024
Today I realized something important and I made a lesson - I am grateful.
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
When you are not healed in relationship, you will hurt other person. And thats why i decided to let go some of my traumas. I'm glad that I made a lesson. One week to a meeting with specialist 💖
Tuesday, 2 April 2024
I stumbled upon a misfortune.
I stumbled upon a misfortune.
To be honest, I never felt so alone. I haven't had a day like this since I remember.
Monday, 1 April 2024
Communication is not hard, it's just hurtful - and thats why we are scared to communicate.
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
Today I realized this fact. That communication is not hard, its just often hurtful - and thats why we are scared to communicate. Since few weeks, me and my relationship is having a lot of serious conversation, and today one, was like a slap in a face. And I don't mean it was bad, I'm actually really happy about this slap. It's because it made realize some important things. For sure the punch itself was hurtful, but I needed it.
I'm actually so so grateful for my relationship, and I am so happy that he actually communicates with me. It was a tough time for us but now we are finally getting better, and I am actually so happy to be in a healthy relationship. It gave me an incredible sense of peace and security. I'm also happy that I managed to open up to him, which was very difficult for me. I'm working at myself 💓
ʚ♡ɞ
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
Dead people recive more flowers than living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude - Random Tumblr User
Sunday, 31 March 2024
fragment from my book
FRAGMENT FROM R.D.T IN ENGLISH (not my native)
Monday, 19 February 2024
We both grew up
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
It was hard to accept that its not just us two anymore.
Sunday, 18 February 2024
About forgiving
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
I always been wondering, how people can forgive someone who hurt them that badly, that suddenly they’ve been at their lowest again.
In my opinion, I’m just too weak to forgive.
Even tho I really tried to learn how to forgive people, I still can’t. Maybe that’s just the way I am, maybe someone made me this way.
I think it’s beautiful for people to forgive. Someone has to be mature enough to understand that everyone makes mistakes ((people have a habit of not taking this into consideration)).
People (especially me) have a habit of writing about things they don’t agree with but they try to understand it.
I think forgiveness is beautiful, the person who forgives is mature, pure and full of kindness.
But yet, I still can’t forgive
Thursday, 6 April 2023
Modern Love
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
Its really weird for me - how modern love looks like. It looks nothing like the love we once had.
The unconditional love.
When people was loyal, and never looked at someone else.
When you and I were just kids and hasn't chance to experience real love.
But still, something about you tells me that this time everything gonna be different, that you are different from others, and maybe, just maybe i will believe in real love in modern times. You are special to me, I would even say that you are my whole world.
That's pretty dangerous thing to say. But you are truly different, and you deserve those words. I am not easy to love, I'm complicated. That's what makes me think that your love is unconditional.
Thank you.
Friday, 11 March 2022
Kiedyś
Nastaną czasy, że wszyscy będą szaleni, a gdy szaleni zobaczą normalnego człowieka stwierdzą, że jest szalony bo nie jest podobny do nich
Saturday, 6 November 2021
about them
Their greatest achievement was making us believe that we need the things that will one day betray us
Self destruction
I'm not eating much, as an punishment. I don't want to eat because I like the feeling that my body is already giving up on me, I li...
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22.09.2025 I'm writing in English, because I feel like I can describe my thoughts better that way. I just want you all to take care of...
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︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵ I always been wondering, how people can forgive someone who hurt them that badly, that suddenly they’ve been at their lowest aga...
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I’ve never felt like this. Suddenly I just managed to stop being impulsive, I started eating less — and it’s not a problem anymore, it’s na...


